I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
she needs to go suck a dildo, because she isn't worth a dick
I'm passing your future prison.
Your the only friend that would realize I'm gonna get drunk and send coke to me at a bar before I made drunken phone calls for it. You sir complete me.....
Would you wanna look up as you cum and for a split-second see your dad?
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
I have so many plans for this weekend and sobriety is not invited.
I mean I'm not saying I have my life together but I did just put nerds in a bottle of champagne and then drank from the bottle
She came so hard that after she finished, she started a slow clap and then told me she pulled a muscle.
yesterday pre dick pic he said "no disrespect to your situation but i cant wait to get ahold of you again in the future" is this how people network??
We need to stop going on dates to the strip club.
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.
no fucks will be given and no pants will be worn
i'll bring the vodka
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone dad. And you’re also like a second dad to me who I also send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
I think I'm the first girl to break a bed with a guy, without even having sex with him while doing so.
Randomize
