This cookie i'm eating tastes like pizza. It was so worth contacting my sister for pot.
he thought i was passed out so he proceeded to jerk off while i lay on the floor next to him
I bet a guy could be masturbating under the table now and people would just think he was clapping along.
I thought I had fell out of his trailer but he says I tried to ninja kick his TV stand saying those girls hula hooping were trying to seduce him. There wasn't anyone else there.
Either she got face surgery at midnight, or i need to stop drinking...
I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
his blanket is still in the back seat of my car, its like a constant reminder of his small penis
He asked the clerk if they sell a penis-shaped brander.
ur not supposed to find someone to make out with when ur bf takes u to his SISTERS house to hang out with her and her husband
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
New rule for Thursdays: no high gymnastics
Omg how many tall cans is too many tall cans for 1 pm
burned my penis with a sauteed onion again.
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
last night i was way too drunk and i was forcing people to let me tell them about mammals
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