I'd wear matching sweaters with you
look no pants
Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
So I had to explain to her that pussy doesn't mean a cat
She forced me to throw up so it would "rejuvenate" me. It worked and then we took six more shots and did a keg stand. You know what I call that? Friendship.
Who's got a bloodstream full of margaritas by 2pm? Not you, that's for sure, because you've got one of those "real" jobs.
Update: still drunk enough to get lost in Zellers and to think my reflection was my mother. Awesome day.
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
When I found her she was drinking wine out of a plastic bag in a bathroom stall, staring at herself in the mirror and crying hysterically. Cabo does things to a person...
8:30 every morning in the third floor bathroom we fuck in the handicap stall. You have your morning workout and I have mine.
The sound of my own breathing is making my head throb. That hungover.
This guy is clearly nuts his idea of a hangover cure is a six pack poured into a camelpack then hiking 3 miles with a weighted vest. He said "learned it in the army i guess drink beer beat the heat"
The stock is going waaaaay up on that picture of my pussy with a bowtie on it.
I just got out of the shower and I feel like I just washed off 10 lbs of bad decisions...
in your professional opinion, what's the most elegant way of saying "sorry I spent all night flirting with you, I thought you were gay" ?
Randomize
