i hate sounding clingy, but i just wanted to verify i wasn't an asshole in your mind
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
U asked everyone for their hoodies so u could "safely hug the cactus"
Way to high for badminton right now. This is gonna be a shitshow.
being pregnant is like rehab
All I really remember is shouting "THANKS FOR LETTING ME MAKE OUT WITH YOUR GIRLFRIEND."
What can I say? You have this amazing power over straight girls.
I knew things were bad when my gyno recommended meditation.
I'm going to start charging you rent if you keep leaving your random conquests on my living room couch the morning after
Im gonna go for the gay guy. The ginger is freaking me out.
If I ever drink whiskey again make sure I don't eat the plastic cups that I'm drinking them from.
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
Stop letting me drink while doing my makeup. I think I used sharpie for eyeliner.
He doesn't understand the concept of a strip club. He keeps falling in love
I have a dinner date combo blowjob event with Tristan tonight.
Randomize
