just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
he just started chanting dark meat! dark meat! out of no where.
If there is a god, you will have pink eye tomorrow.
What did you wear last night? Because I'm pretty sure there are atleast 4 Facebook statuses about your walk of shame.
I've crashed the car, it's a write off. The police are here and I'm dressesd as a crayon.
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
Girl please we both know I eat his bullshit up like its candy sprinkled with crack
It all went downhill when I figured out I could launch myself into people with my crutches
He just asked me to be his girlfriend while having sex on his parents kitchen counter
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
there’s plenty of nice guys out there with good jobs and NO felonies!
Long fucking story. But hey I got an orgasm and breakfast so I'm winning.
Apparently, im the only one in the world who thinks Larry King is hot.
Just in case you forgot, you puked all over your boss house, pissed on his coffee table, and were then thrown out by his wife
Randomize
