Dating my ex's drug dealer.. best. revenge. ever.
you went to subway and got pissed when they refused to deep fry your sub
Everything that you guys said happened came back to me. like a tidal wave of regret.
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
Some guy just delivered flowers to my roommate cause he fell off a roof onto her at a party last night. I think they have a date tomorrow.
He is making me drink his THC water out of a milk jug.
His fuck buddy just got fake tits and wants him to 'come break them in.' I need his life.
You should make a checklist to ensure they are quality material. Here's mine: wearing shoes, not drunk, very hot, has teeth, speaks english. You never know
You have not lived until you've puked on your sequined UGGs in the Rite Aid parking lot while going to buy emergency contraceptives.
How do we have all these hot friends who we never do body shots off of
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
Blacked out and showed everyone my nudes. They toasted to my nudes, and I got an outstanding ovation.
Say whatever the fuck you want about me, but leave my deceased cat out of it.
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
Everyone else's "needs" are getting in the way of my alcoholism.
Randomize
