dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
Thanks for the birthday present, i had so much fun playing with it
Are you talking about my vagina?
this girl with a french braid down the center of her head won't stop talking about the benefits of the free market. i'm hungover, bloated and haven't slept for 4 days. shut up french braid girl, shut up.
She tased me when I walked in the door. Thought I was trying to steel her weed.
There's two girls at the bar sniffing each others boobs.
found scuba porn. totally not sexy. life continues to disappoint.
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
you gave a quesadilla a blow job with sour cream at Denny's.
He got too drunk... he threw up ON the closed toilet.
It's a Jersey thing
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
Based on his face I'm positive he has a beautiful penis.
I'd have to have a ring. Like I don't want to be called "the ex girlfriend that shit on me"
Randomize
