when you close your eyes do you see, that mystical creature will be me.
who is this?
Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
i cant believe u jumped in someones trunk just to get out of talking to me
Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
mom and dad sent me an easter basket full of beer pong supplies again.
Tis a story best told in person, it involves a golf course, police and vomit
It usually does with you
My suggestion that we all just smoke some weed was greeted with a uncomfrotable silence and a 'maybe later'. These are not our people
I think im gonna bang this 35 year old at a kids birthday party in the bathroom at this house while the kids open the presents.
It's like getting ready for my vaginas own execution
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
Every now and then I'll meet one who is talented in the art of shower gymnast.
Her alarm in the morning was Best Day Ever from Spongebob. I'm have lots of conflicting feelings right now...
Woke up pants less in the vacant apartment across the hall. It was unlocked because they were showing it to someone. When they walked in I woke up and said "this is a great place to live" and walked out
Snow days are when you really appreciate that your neighbor is on your bang roster.
Im four hours late for work AND i pissed my bed
Randomize
