We each get one free throw up cleaning, no questions asked.
this episode of spongebob makes me wish crabby patties were real
I appreciate the offer. Swallowing pride is much like swallowing cum, difficult and unpleasant
They were lying down in the parking garage pretending to be speed bumps...
I'm sitting on the patient chair, waiting for my vagina to be violated & "i don't want to miss a thing" has been playing on repeat. WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME.
You act like I'm the first person to try and hook up with a blind chick.
Nothing like a $37 iTunes bill. Jesus Christ do you know how many $2 beer/shot specials that is??? The answer is 16. 16 beer/shot specials.
He's. Duct. Taping. His. Phone. To. The. Wall.
Everything's a blur with pockets full of jello
I took it upon myself to take one shot of tequila to have an excuse for hitting on my not-single coworker. It worked.
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
GOD DAMMIT TARYN WHY DO WE ALWAYS HAVE TO ROB PLACES IN OUR FUTURE PLANS?!
He ate me out while Space Jam was on. My life is complete.
If y'all wanna know how far the apple fell from the tree I'm sexting during Easter service. Mom would be so proud 😳
Taking one of the loudest shits ever at work and I have to say...I'm having a better time than I thought I would
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