My ass is singing 4 different tunes right about now... Taco Bell was a bad idea!
Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
How was last night?
She looked like Delta Burke in her fat Designing Women days ... and she just left like 2 minutes ago. Right after breakfast.
This girl told me I had the balls of an infant..I replied by saying her vagina looks like Stargate.
We folded our dollar bills into airplanes. This really makes the strippers work for it. Like air miles.
ill give you a picture of me naked for $5. im desperate.
I want her autograph on my taint
Update- I sold my hat to some drunk kid for 50 bucks. I used my earnings to buy beer on the way home. I realize to everyone else seeing me drinking on my balcony at 6am, I look like an alcoholic, but I'm thinking of it as a night cap
When you wake up, just ignore the mess in the bathroom. I'll take her home when I'm off work.
Both our collective sex appeal dies once someone cums on a snuggie kayla
We had a One Night Stand 6 months ago but he just Facebook invited me to his wedding. Who the fuck does that.
Whiskey. Because sometimes it's fun to have your hands go numb.
It's a lot harder to work after sex than it is to work drunk... just saying.
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
Well obviously we have a ghost in the house who’s taking showers in your bathroom and doing our cocaine.
Randomize
