I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
Prostitute standing on the corner thrusting at cars as they drive by. New marketing strategy?
he told us the story of how he fought ketchup, mustard, and thomas the train engine all in one night. if that doesn't sound like an acid trip i dont know what does.
after last night, i judge her for not breaking up with me
You drunk dialed me talking about the stages of mitosis. There is no way you didn't ace your bio final
Your lack of a response has proven you've clearly forgotten how crazy I am.
I want a nosebag of coke after my exam. Like what horses have. Coked up horses. No excuses. I love you.
Dude that bathroom stall was not tall enough to be doing lines in, guys kept peeking over and giving us high fives
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
I fell asleep on the air hockey table and someone turned it on, scariest shit ever when you're that fucked up
Do you think county jail has a Groupon?
You're an asshole. I don't want your dick as my background. I'll look like I have a thumb fetish.
I just passed a kid trying to leave on a lawn mower
If this were a real emergency kilted men wielding claymores and riding giant badgers would hve rescued said Guinness. So clearly this is just a hypothetical
Threw up on break at work. That brings our collective tally to 9 times. We can never drink like that on a monday again
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