I wish my penis had an off switch
he tried to make a toast, but hit the moving ceiling fan with his beer instead
He came, while we were making out fully clothed. I'm going to write a book.
Never thought I'd say this but I just want to go home, ice my balls, and pop a Vicodin.
you kept introducing yourself to guys as "never going to happen"
I also witnessed that same parrot perched on the head of a man grinding with a girl.
Interesting. As a girl I don't know how okay I would be with that.
She seemed pretty into it.
Yea no bueno and I only brought enough weed to last one night. And it was no Hanukah nug, it didn't last 8 days.
Dude, that was like bongs ago.
True love: he brought me a margarita while was in the shower. He's a keeper.
Cleaning my room at 2am, in just one corner I found six beers, half a pint of whiskey, my flask, 2 shotgun bullets, my crown and shimmer lotion.
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
You were laying in a hotel bed drinking beer from a straw while you demanded everyone to kiss your foot tattoo.
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
So yes we had an orgy last night and I sucked your tits while you fucked my husband but I am weird about sharing my toothbrush.
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