maybe if you didn't yell 'buh duh duh da duh da dats all folks' when you came she wouldn't have left last night
She said that I needed to "pregame her so it can slip right in."
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
In one night, this kid threw a firecracker under a fucking cop car, crashed three seperate parties, and passed out in a tree in our backyard. Do you even know who he is?
Our Icelandic basketball player brought cocaine and rachael is screaming that he should do lines off her stomach. It's that kind of party
He just asked me if I wanted a ride on the "bologna pony." I never wanna have sex again...
Ill give you a 4 hour blow job if you make my nephew go to bed.
I just wanted to share with you that my life has come to naked arts and crafts, to fix my flask, with a rum and coke in my hand... Good luck on your exam
I keep having to have that awkward "I don't want to have sex with you" convo. I thought wearing sweatpants was suppose to prevent this situation..
He kissed my hand AND my forehead. I don't think this virginity business is for heartless whores like us.
have no fear, swaggie olivia is here to bring glorious gifts and horse dick to children
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
hotelroom bed is big enough to masturbate in, but small enough to not want to sleep in it after you've masturbated in it
I deserve a medal for being woke up at 6am on my day off by your mother asking where your brother is
I mean, he’s listed as “Andrew DC Threesome” in my phone. THATS HOW I REMEMBER HIM! How is that not the start of a fairytale?
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