Soap is not a condiment
i was drunk at family dinner telling about my gay brothers sex ads on criags list
I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
Minivans at bars can only lead to bad things.
woke up this morning with a fat chick but she went downstairs and made pancakes without saying a word.
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
New carpet is nice. I'm making carpet angels. Like a fresh snowfall.
We now only communicate via Xbox messages. Living together is so easy
Turning 21 will be slightly bittersweet. Never again will I be able to get underage drunk at Disney World, now I'll only be able to get legal drunk and that just sets a whole different and sad tone for my life.
Sometimes I just want to serenade his penis with cheesy 80s songs.
Sometimes I wish I lived alone because there would be no one to judge me if I wanted to have whiskey and popcorn for breakfast.
I'm gonna fight the coyote
He texted me "sup", so I sent him that gif of the surprised guy and apparently it offended him
i got a dick pic last night and the mother fucker had a Jesus picture in the background.
Don't care if they even pay me; I lifeguard for the fringe benefits -- free tourist vagina in the Hilton jacuzzi every single night
Randomize
