my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
Dry humping a girl for an hour and then jizzing in your pants doesn't count as losing it.
just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
Come over! I've just turned Titanic into a drinking game. I drink every time I want to fuck Leonardo DiCaprio.
my mom noticed the "toothpaste" stain on my tshirt...she repeatedly attempted to get it off by licking her thumb and rubbing it. See Jenn it obviously doesnt taste that bad...
he had a blacklight sublime poster, of course i had to do him.
Our local strip club now has karaoke. Do you realize what this could mean for my sex life?
dude you cant keep breaking into my house just to raid my fridge.. especially at 3AM.
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
Just visited the liquor store.... for the 4th time today. shits gonna get weird
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
When a guy invites you to dinner and breakfast the next day it's implied that he's going to make some sweet loving in betwixt correct?
just creeped your profile pictures and you should feel satisfied in knowing that you had great eyebrows even before people started drawing them on
It's sunday night and I just went to the store to buy cookie dough and condoms, I'm so proud of myself.
A guy just threw up in my lecture of 500 ppl and just got up and walked away
Randomize
