Ok pretty sure I just saw Mike O'Malley walking through the parking lot. I wanted to see if I followed him, would he lead me to the acro-criag, i've always wanted a crack at that bitch.
i take joy in having bigger boobs than others
craigslist faux pas number 857, just got head in a disability bus.
The bong broke. we're having a little funeral followed by an inaugeration service for the new one
I'm sorry for coming into your work place and trying to smuggle you out in my purse.
He was in Alberta for less than a week and is already banned from 6 bars. I fear for his general well-being over there.
Ugh I can't even look at alcohol this weekend, my body needs to heal.
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
The beer bottle was sticking out of your zipper and you shook it onto unsuspecting patrons
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
Strip club or gay bar tonight?
I am an emotionally compromised bisexual.
Your "whiskey dick" is glorious but also terrifying
dude if looks could fuck you two would've been naked in front of everybody
Being single again makes you realize how guys can go from licking your asshole one night to never texting you again
Randomize
