Well for starters i'm drinking vodka out of a bell pepper.
No, I'm a firm believer in "Swallow or it isn't love."
You broke a window with your face. I don't think the landlord will be as impressed as we were.
Literally passed out while tubing... Boating while hammered is a blast but thank God for life jackets
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
Drunk at ten am watching Californication re runs. Being divorced rules.
I knew when her mom came in spraying me with Febreeze telling me I smelled like shame it was going to be a rough day.
Whiskey dick has taught us to be smart with our time.
And they have kittens that decided that boobs are apparently the best arena for king of the hill...
I started dipping tositos in my screwdriver last night
then apparently I went "not bad" and continued
Made it just outside my dorm and yack on the front dirt. Wave to a dad thats staring, continue on my way.
Never thought having a box of Cheerios could get me laid. My new lucky charm hello girl in 2B
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
When I woke up I was spooning with a block of cheese. Like, cuddling. Me and the cheese we nestling...
What are you doing tomorrow?
Dude its my bday. Im drinking from sunup til face down. Rinse and repeat.
Randomize
