I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
Someone sharpied 'shit show' on my tits. Someone with excellent penmanship
Blowjobs in the shower are a lot like blowjobs not in the shower. Awesome.
Do you ever just think "I could really go for a good 30 minute blowjob". I do. Everytime jill smiles.
She kept saying 'I love you' but i couldn't tell if she was talking to me or to her beer.
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
His penis has a special gift of curing my broken heart
I've started grabbing my boobs in front of my lesbian philosophy professor so she'll give me a better grade. It's working...
Just to be safe, you should be prepared to jump out of a second story window
no more duck duck goose at the bar
You know its been a rough night when for a large portion of the evening you have accepted your death
So like if I threw up in my purse is that "don't ever show your face in public again" worthy or just slightly frowned upon
Tacos and sex are way better than any anti depressant pill ever was. I think I made a medical discovery here.
Blacked out and showed everyone my nudes. They toasted to my nudes, and I got an outstanding ovation.
ya I went to the grocery store literally just for cheese and condoms
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