I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
Last night was epic. Hooked up with Emma Watson, found twenty bucks, and then passed out on my floor.
No you didn't. You drank unbelievable amounts of 151, passed out in someone else's bathroom, and we carried you back to your floor. Nice dreams though.
threw up in a bar last night and got laid on an air mattress. my bucket list just got a lot shorter
As long as you're not dating white guys again.
It doesn't matter if I tell the story beginning to end or end to beginning, the story still starts with a random girl blowing me in the bathroom.
I Know I'm the drunk girl in the trunk right now, BUT PLEASE LISTEN TO ME!
You know Im horny if Im walking around in my lingerie and sex robe. It's my field of dreams mentality. If I wear it, he will come.
He wheeled me around walmart in a cart, and stole at least 30 dollars of junior mints fpr me. Best date ever.
I'm beer bonging chocolate fondue. That's how my Valentines Day is going.
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
ok NEVER tell the strippers its your birthday. i think i have to burn these clothes and take a bath in bleach
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
Whenever I have a bad day I just look at the negetive pregnancy test I keep in my purse and remind myself things could be alot worse.
While the cops were busting my party one of them said. O you have an Xbox? Do you play online? Whats your gamertag?....
Do you remember punching the light out in the bathroom? I didn't, and that was at bar 2 of 4…
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