U Should have said " it's ok baby most girls Sh*t when I do that.
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
The puppy is a lightweight. 3 beers and he's passed out on the floor already. I repeat, the puppy is a lightweight.
So yeah you need to stop having near death experiences at McDonalds.
She said she couldn't sleep with a guy who had blood stains on his ceiling. I tried to explain it wasn't my blood, but she still left :(
I can't help the fact that i'm turned on by white boys that look like Jesus
Here's what I don't understand. How does anyone watch you eat mayo for 12 minutes and then ever fuck you again??
For breaking and entering. I think neighbor dan cared more about me puking in his backseat than the surprise of me waking up there
Sometimes i think i need to stop drinking because i can't afford losing so many panties anymore
I just jerked him off with one hand while holding my wine glass with the other and watching Congo. I feel like this was a preview to my married life...
It doesn't count as "finding the lesbian" if you fuck a straight girl!
Rum and your dick are involved. You're relying on the unreliable narrator.
How in the fuck did you get LIVE MOTHER FUCKING BATS!?!?! Into my ROOM last night????
I always know im high when I can't remember how to pee.
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
Randomize
