You were parading around the bar chugging girls drinks and then asking them if you could buy them a drink. It was actually genius
Which one of you FUCKERS filled the toilet with soil and planted my mothers daisys in it? NOT FUCKING HAPPY
That shot tasted like Sant Claus came in my mouth. I love the holidays.
She saved the condom from the first time we did it.
Just remember that she is a giant dick-sucking forehead and you are better than that.
Im in search of the perfect penis, it would be unethical for me not to test run them.
I don't know what you're talking about. I just drank beer out of my own bellybutton by doing a backbend and letting it run down my body.
My parents called me out on catching us walking home from the bar in a swimming motion because "it was too windy to walk" home...
I want to see boobs tonight. Like, real ones. Your ones.
I'm romantic.
Laying in bed nude eating a Big Mac with a cat. It's gonna be a good year.
Breakfast of champions
Is that a dick crepe?
It is indeed
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
Right when he asked me if I was on birth control my dad walked in. This is my fate.
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
Would it be inappropriate to meet you at the airport after your family vacation so I can tell you all about the amazing sex I have been having?
Randomize
