It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
I couldn't get internet on my iPod in this hotel room for porn, so I made due with UFC.
I'm not sure what to say to that.
Literally just stood in the shower and forgot what to do. that hungover.
Almost thought it was a good idea to call his parents to thank them for having a son with an awesome dick. That high.
Brought 2 entire pizzas with to the bar, everyone loves us
Ummm so does anybody remember me stopping to get my ear peirced last night and make an earring out of a staple? Or did I just somehow lay on this thing and ram it through my ear?
I may or may not have had sex last night then sent him home on a bike with two flats
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
Im gonna wear a random assortment of things for Halloween, guy with the most creative answer gets laid
Okay hun. Well my neighbors haven't called the cops yet so I think we're good. No more burning in the yard.
How was it playing wingman?
I feel like I was rockys coach watching him get the shit beaten out of him by Apollo creed
I have an ideal penis or slightly above ideal penis in every country that isn't ruined by the specter of communism
Why are there four guys spooning on the living room floor?
They're still there? Shit. They were supposed to leave after they hugged it out.
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
She was wearing a grass skirt and a watermelon bra. WATERMELONS.
Randomize
