Just tried to tap morse code on the wall seperating our beds to tell you I was awake and ready to smoke
i am devastated. she was DTF and I was about to puke, i told her to wait outside my room for a second. Puked. Passed out woke up, she was gone. Found puke stains on my keyboard that seem to spell out youporn....
Who's got a bloodstream full of margaritas by 2pm? Not you, that's for sure, because you've got one of those "real" jobs.
Theres a live mouse in the toilet. Goddamn you this is why I don't party here
I'm just planning on experiencing Disney as adult style as it gets. Drinking bloody mary's at dawn and telling all the kids waiting in lines how badly their future sucks and that Santa isn't real.
You were fucked up like a footballbat trying to eat gum off your shoe. And that wasn't even the nights lowest point.
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
GO AHEAD, BITCH, GLARE AT MY WAFFLE ONE MORE TIME. I WILL FUCK YOU UP.
He facetimed with his son when he was still inside of me. If that's not a dedicated dad I don't know what is
Please tell me I was just dreaming when I asked if I could borrow your jesus dildo
somehow a ride to walgreens turned into a threesome.
According to the arrest report, I shouted "no, YOU put some pants on" at the cop. Downhill from there.
Gave his drunk ass water, & he poured it on my shirt while saying "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!" When reminded of it today he replied with, "at least you came in first place"
Can you send me the picture of me licking the cows udders?
We won like $80 last night at the casino, so if we get the Plan B we still have enough to get your basic bitch latte from Dunkin. Calm down.
Randomize
