I just realized that when I walk away people probably say "wow she really has a drinking problem" and sadly it doesn't bother me.
We haven't even started dating yet but I already decided I'm going to cheat on her
$1 margaritas. This happy hour needs to end.
its really sad that i have to specifically make this a rule but, absolutely no lighting smoke bombs indoors at my birthday party.
Biggest penis I've ever pity fucked
I'm not really into her personality. Not that we've ever looked for personality in women.
That's only a quality to look for in a second marriage.
Drunkasaurus has found a new cave to eat all the children she captured
I need to get you away from Bacardi 151 and out from under the bed
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
Pictures of drunk me in a bike helmet are like McDonald's collectible toys. There's sooo many, but NO ONE has seen all of them.
You forgot the part where I played Slip and Slide with my own puke and fucked up my knee.
There are five fire trucks here and needless to say my booty call left so come back home whenever you like
There's nothing more awkward than going on a beer run with 3 ten year olds....teacher of the year right here!
Just put on slippers before underwear so you know where my priorities are
Woke up in a house I don't know, with someone else's pants on, and wolverine hair, to my girlfriend yelling on the phone about the 4 girls I made out with last
You told me you could hear my heartbeat through my penis but your methods were unethical.
Sixty five beats a minute. I stand by that.
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