Apparently he's never heard a queef, he totally thought I farted and got freaked out.
I hate it when hot girls behave. It's so anticlimactic
Now that my 6 day bender is behind me, I just realized I might have been the one who took a shit in our mailbox that past few days.
I seem to remember you being very disappointed that drinking Michelob Ultra didn't give you magic powers.
I feel as though sleeping all day due to the effects of prescription painkillers paid for by union insurance made this the most American day ever for me
Can I interview you during sex or would that be weird?
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
Just set up my first threesome: a rapper and a Marine. Pretty sure at least 80% of girls in America hate me right now.
I. recorded a message of me yelling at myself to "get up out of that bed" and set it an alarm. REALLY loud
Nothing says summer like lemonaid, but nothing says fuck yeah summer like lemonaid and vodkavodka
You can get gift cards to the liquor store! This changes everything.
You know you have a problem when your man yells at you that his penis is not your personal play toy.
What happened last night dude?
YOU SHIT ON MY FUCKING COFFE TABLE THATS WHAT FUCKING HAPPENED!!!
He is a beautiful butterfly covered in tattoos and naked.
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
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