I glued a penny on the door Tricia believes its Patrick Swayze haunting our apartment. Fuckin potheads.
Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
just got home. some guy on my porch is tryin to show me his balls. no more parties at my apartment.
I need to stop treating my body like that of a Vegas hooker on vacation in Ibiza
is it weird that I didn't think he was hot last night when I was making out with him but right now I'm Facebook stalking him and think he's really attractive??
your beer goggles are on backwards.
I can't believe he let me cut his hair as stoned as I was.. I think I even cut my own hair too
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
those kids just got delivered to the party by the pizza guy
I can't believe I ever hated her sister or friends. They got her some sexy sexy ass lingerie for the honeymoon. I think I love them bitches
My brother walked up to us as we were making out and was like "hey man, go to town!" and winked
And I'm sorry for punching you in the face when I drunkenly threw my sandwich
He said he "doesnt care at all, really" if I shave my legs or not. Challenge accepted.
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
We're meant to be. Apparently God wants me to get dicked down pretty good too so I'm not complaining about destiny
I danced shirtless on a platform with a fucking stripper who went to MIT
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