dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
I asked my mom, she said yes...but you have to shower with grandpa.
woke up naked, spooning with wine bottle.. and my video chat was still open. fuck, not again.
Can we just schedule bi-weekly fucks and bypass all the bullshit?
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you were drinking a pitcher of what you called "16 loko" and making everybody guess what the secret ingredient was
so i may have indirectly taught my 13 year old campers how to give blowjobs.
I yelled at the dude who smoked him up "YOU'RE THE REASON I'M NOT GETTING LAID" then went to bed. So yeah, I guess it was an ok night.
all I'm saying is if you're gonna fuck a fat chick do it in a pool it's like zero gravity or something
how did you graduate high school
On the shuttle bus from the Casino the driver refused to take us to the strip club so you said "let me off this bus or ill puke on you".
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I think my body knows it's dying and is just shutting down
So vagazzling was a success
It's 7am. I'm making pizza & watching the Matrix. I will not be bothered.
To answer your next question, yes, I'm drunk.
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
Are you alone?
No, but I have to leave him in my bed while I go on this date.
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