Broke my phone, have no voice AND I was blackout by 3 p.m...I'm betting I had a great time.
If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
you kept calling numbers in ur phone book and saying, "I love your show, I'm a long time listener, first time caller."
I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
I've been here 20 minutes and some creepy old man told me he wanted to know what my insides felt like. I hate gay bars.
the doctor brought back painful memories by lecturing me about your teeth marks that are still on my dick.
i lnow ive slrrwsdy teted you this. but goddamn girl on tv is a good song
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
I don't go out. I live in my room watching Bridget Jones and thanking my vibrator for existing.
We were having sex and my nose just started pouring blood. He reached down to the floor, grabbed a sock and held it to my nose. He just kept pounding away like nothing was happening.
I can insert a female catheter, but I cannot grill a cheese.
I've come to the conclusion that my issue is I'm not fucking a guy with a headboard
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
Recliner chair sex has moments of worry....just don't.
I sort of feel bad for this orthodontist. The things that have been in my mouth in the past 12 hours aren't exactly socially acceptable.
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