oh my god im such an asshole. i just asked the guitarist of bad religion if he was a scalper.
It's finally official that I am from Oklahoma. I'm currently sleeping with my ex-fling's brother.
I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
I feel so much closer to you now that I heard your poop splash into the toilet.
Sketchest drug deal yet.... I just got paid in quarters and chucky chesse tokens. I need to stop hooking my friends up.
Confirm for me that it's be a bad idea to sleep with the 50 year old that's currently hitting on me?
We were on the balcony tossing jello shots to people passing below
When people said no i'd yell "i tried them i promise they aren't roofied!"
Just saw pictures of a pregnant teen from my hometown with an American flag wrapped around her naked body posted on FB without irony. These are my roots.
I just found my "random bang list for summer of 2012" that I wrote last night.. It's written on a Plan B receipt. If this isn't irony I don't know what is.
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
if by making eggnog you mean drinking all the spiced rum, then yes, she's making eggnog
I legit just quacked out loud at a duck on campus. Realized after that there were people around me, they looked at me funny...
Try to fuck my roomie AND steal my slippers: you are no longer my favorite cousin.
If I don’t find a quality dick soon I’m going to beg the neighbor for another threesome with her and her husband. It’s like Covid killed all the quality penis Vegas normally has
Randomize
