I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
Why does every bad decision I make wind up having 1000 likes on YouTube?
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
Good news. That bum you thought that died is alive.
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
all i know is there's a picture on my phone of him wearing my purple sweatpants and licking the bottom of my foot.
Imagine Arby's curly fries spiraled around a dick
Is there like a dick file on me? Guys can't hold two dicks anymore?! Who are you people????
where will you be at 9:30 tonight?
piledriving you in your roommate's bed?
i think the realest test of our friendship is how hot your sister looks right now
But seriously, I love you and you are a good person and I'll get you some ecstasy
I someohow managed to lose my butt plug in tne midst of moving to B.C. and I am not a happy camper.
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
Randomize
