Did you go home with that guy without me?
Sorry boo - it's pouring and I found a boy with a car
Stalkers don't have time for showers...it's a full time job
Blood drive hookups: you will probably faint during the sex, but at least you know neither of you has AIDS
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
I'm not proud of how I threatened that 8 year old during drunken laser tag
High school girls are buying me shots. This will not end well.
I already ran out of vodka but I have more beer. I just ran naked into the high school party down the street as took all theirs. ...figured no one wants to tackle the naked guy..
Seriously insulted!! You can not share my dick pick with your gay brother. He won't quit poking me on fb
It also means I'm watching porn with mario earphones so i can hear. Possibly the best way to mastrabate EVER
im so sad I can't openly talk about acid tab Sundays
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
He showed up on school grounds wearing nothing but a suit of armor. Really at this point I'm more impressed than angry.
Yeah. I hurt his pride. But he's not over it. And by it I mean me.
I may or may not be drinking in a church parking lot.
Just realized that I indirectly pay for sex through my cable bill
Wow. He is an expensive lay
I still have to figure out the cost per lay. It could be a financially sound investment
Randomize
