and then he said "my sister has the same underwear!" please come get me.
i would hope so, cause i don't think 'i drove off the road because i was getting some head' is covered in insurance
I wish orgasms lasted as long as the pain from rug burn
we were boning in the bathroom when her boyfriend came upstairs. I wish i could remember what happened next more clearly, because it had to have been hilarious
And then out of the blue she sent me a youtube video mashup of cats puking to techno music
They walked in to the store, ripped up the phone book, and left. Can we get on their level?
and honestly how many chances will you get to hook up with a one armed guy?
I apparently started to text you last night. All it said was 'the whole clam'. I hope that means something to you.
You slammed your face into the toilet and declared you were moving your bed into the bathroom in the morning. Also, you insisted on crawling everywhere because feet are "overrated."
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
Never let him bartend when he's tripping. He sprinkled a ton of mexican shredded cheese over a jack and coke and called in a Monterey Jack Daniels.
Saw 2 lesbians fist fighting outside the bar tonight. I was startled yet slightly turned on
I asked her if she could eat some Doritos so when we made out it would taste awesome
I'm gonna die. First I'm gonna throw up. But then I'm gonna die.
I woke up on a different floor than I went to sleep on. Can't find my shoes.
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