i hate having sex with him only a few drinks in. i like it better when i cant remember the gory details.
The album was titled "Best Night Ever" until she found out she was preggers and switched it to "God Punishes Sluts"
I've had enough of this chick, she wanted to cuddle after giving me a handjob. I feel like I'm in junior high
Just for future questioning, I didnt break up with you over text
If I wake up with an unknown penis in me one more time I am literally going to press charges to the makers of tequila.
we should look into getting a golf cart for the weekend. i have a feeling legs wont be a sufficient source of transportation.
Relaxed was like phase 1 of this phase 7 high
I imagine my service panda will provide sufficient protection. At the very least it will be an irresistible cuddly distraction while I make good my escape.
So we just smoked a bowl, out of an antler, with this old dude, while standing at the bar. Dude just walked up and said we were in his spot, just began packing it and handing it around...
I blacked out at work again... Except this time my boss watched me throw up by the bus stop and some woman let me sleep on her shoulder for an hour. Why does this keep happening?
It's like the first time your mom catches you masturbating. We both know what she saw. We're just not talking about it...
I just got a lap dance from a kid in the coconut bra... So not drunk enough for this.
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
Currently having to re-watch episodes of Lost that I've only partially seen because you distracted me with your vagina
I mean, it's good for a lot of things. Just not the inside of your vagina
Well neither is bbq sauce but I dont judge kinks
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