Im eating ham and mustard naked, watching south park, but its totally cool cuz the paper plate is covering my nuts
I feel like i'm in the derek zoolander school for kids who can't read good.
Tostitos scoops are the best shotglasses ever. Eat it after as a chaser.
they almost convinced me to put "Funbags" in the 'other names you may be known as' section of the job application
im proctoring the SATs right now and im still drunk from last night. i really wanna tell these kids that this fucking test doest mean shit and they will just be constantly drunk once in college.
He asked if I wanted a dutch rudder. 1.) Who says that? 2.) How exactly does one do that with a girl?
The main two things I remember from last night is you "spanking Katey into reality" and watching her barf in terror.
Please don't let me drink ever again. I apparently told him he could stay but as there was no room in the bed he'd have to lie on top of me and he'd need to anchor himself on with his penis so he didn't fall off.
It smells like someone died in our apartment and ya'll used some random orifice of his body to smoke weed out of. Side note, how did we get a guitar?
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
I will be there. invited or not. I go where the pancakes go.
I don't even care if you were high. The fact that I've been begging for us to have those cinnamon rolls for months and you didn't even save me one is not ok.
Nothing to be ashamed of. I bet Oprah has sharted.
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
he's the kind of guy you give a fake number to and he still finds out your real number anyway...
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