you can't spend the night you always smell like dirty underwear and my roommates complain
I'm pretty sure his head is too big to fit between my legs. Worthless.
Do you think red sox nation has an official powerpoint template/memo format for resignations of manny support, bandwagon applications, and other official business?
Saved By The Bell: The College Years had it waaaay wrong on that one.
He spent 6 hours at the ER after crashing a motorcycle and still came to the bar, Ofcourse I went home with him. He's my hero.
I was really stoned haha. I had sex with her while I cooked scrambled eggs.
Oh, I'm just lighting tennis balls and WD-40 on fire, what are YOUUU doing?!
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
Maybe before the beach I should get a tracking chip in my arm.
Do I really need this much space in my mouth?
Are you already high?
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
He gave me an extra phone charger for the other side of the bed the other night. Is that love?
Currently sifting through all the dick pics and nudes for a picture of my dad and I to post on social media for Father's Day...
i just sneezed the second i jizzed and it got in my eye. words can't describe how much i hate life right now.
Randomize
