he just said he was sorry he wasnt been able to come by more often coz things are really crazy with that girl
you mean his girlfriend
I woke up this morning to 4 booty call texts. So i am trying to find the sign that says i like to sit on cocks so that i can take it off.
trust me, i wonder where that sign is on a daily basis.
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
you wouldn't believe how quickly birth control dissolves in vodka
Washing vom off hardwood, so much easier than carpet. Thank you adulthood!
Drinking franzia alone at noon watching a cheese themed episode of "The Chew" I'm ready to admit I need a job.
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
At this point can I suggest a mail away bride. You judge Nick but you are a strange dude and that may be your ticket.
My new dealer is 16. I have been getting high longer than he has been alive.
I don't see the problem
Full disclosure. I fucked the fatty from work and shit is weird now.
We smoked before the sunrise hike. I ended up eating a banana and singing Circle of Life as the sun rose over the horizon.
he left a full can of coors light underneath my windshield wiper, like a love note. if that's not husband material, i don't know what is
Last night’s booty call turned into a cuddlefest. Get your game face on, we’re hunting dick tonight
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