A big part of growing up is learning how to tastefully stare at women
if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
I wish I could tape me & him having sex. Not for pornographic reasons, just for comic relief.
please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
he recorded me cumming with the t-pain app on his iphone
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
well i did drunkenly flip his snowmobile going 90, so i can kind of see why hes mad
you fucked my boyfriend. margarita girls night will not fix this.
Walked in on my boss having phone sex at work... and somehow this didnt bother nor embaress him
You know, there is no convenient place for your beer when you are on shrooms taking a shower.
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
No. I'm too high for this. I gotta focus my mind for my future Hooter's interview
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
She was drunk at Red Robin. She asked for more fries and then shoved them in her purse while saying "Come on bitches, you're coming with me" to them.
For a second fuck I think last night went extremely well... our sexual relationship is progressing at a pace that im quite satisfied with.
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