I dont get it-she has sex with me but wont be my facebook friend?
i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
Yeah, I tried playing the "see how long he can stay inside of me" game.. And I lost.
4 words: hood of his car
Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
theres a turtle on the table. helping me eat my ramon noodles.
How did a couple beers and monopoly turn into a bottle of vodka and throwing eggs at eachother in the kitchen?
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
She pulled vodka outta the dryer and told me to drink it
She said she's different now I guess anytime you get a bible tatt it automatically cancels out all the whoring you did for 10 years
She kept calling herself DJ McDonalds and said she wanted to make some Egg McMusic.
His brother just asked him in all seriousness if it would be cool if they became eskimo brother brothers.
I'm about to order this penis-casting kit so text me within 5 mins if you're not down
If he flies out here I will sleep with him. I have morals, but not when it comes to southern accents
The guy at the liqiour store just said "Wow haven't seen you in awhile, is everything okay?"
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