I'm calling you out on twitter if you don't come over right now.
So my roomate was sunbathing this morning on the porch with a sock covering his penis
Sounds like a really classy character....
He is classy. It was argyle.
So not only just find my adoption papers that I didnt know about in my parents house, but they say "child shows some signs of mental retardation".
Jenna and Ryan are ranting and raving about child custody. MY VASECTOMY SMILES.
He tried to eat me out in the bath... I said it was a bad idea, but he said it was good snorkelling practice for vaca.
You could breast feed yourself wine!! This shit is genius!
I was about to smoke a bunch of weed and lay naked while I cried all day
I've been at work 30 min broke a paper towel holder a chair set a box on fire and fell down twice. Hungover Brian just reached a new level
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
While he was gone for spring break I took his head board... I don't wanna wake up from his shenanigans for the rest of my college career.
You were a cyclone of alcohol and bad decisions - like a gay Tazmanian devil
I GOT THE PAPER IN AT 11:58
EAT MY ENTIRE ASS COM 101
All the movies on cable here are either porn or Bollywood. I am never leaving this hotel.
Are you in a position where you can bring me some nachos?
so he found out i have him as "average size" in my phone. fair to say we arnt going to be dating anymore
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