The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
if you google earth my address you can see me getting out of my car. finally my moment of being famous
Is it too weird if im a sexy tampon for halloween?
don't get me wrong, i love how you're fun and free spirited. but there are some situations...like shooting down a bottle of sambuca standing in the shallow end topless surrounded by my friends
Im beginning to think that if I ever write an autobiography it will have to be mostly fill in the blank.
It's alarming how good I'm getting at being productive at work on Thursday after Johnny Walker Wednesdays.
the only thing i remember last nigh is talking to some chick for thirty minutes about cheese.
he's washing the lighter in the sink and telling me to picture unicorns. requesting backup.
I'm babysitting my fucking roommate he took out the screen and is trying to throw dishware in our fucking pool after he repelled off our balcony
Just successfully went through airport security with shrooms. It's gonna be a fucking awesome new years
The only people who will bring me pizza or tacos want a commitment and I'm hungry for food not their love.
And no one can masturbate with the sound of Bernie's voice in the background
...and with one comment dissing Hannibal Lecter, I suddenly understood why we never worked out.
I am listening to Jack Johnson and wearing the sweater your Mother made me fuck mother nature I am in my happy place right now
ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME! I SAID I WANTED SOMEONE CLASSY AND INSTEAD YOU SET ME UP WITH A GUY THAT JUST TOLD ME HIS FAVORITE PLACE TO FUCK IS ON HIS SWAMPBOAT “THE SLAMHOG!”
I DON’T WANT TO FUCK IN A SWAMP
First of all, his AIR boat is named “Slam Hog” not “The Slamhog.” Second, it’s top of the line. Third, don’t dismiss swamp sex before you try it!
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