I just saw my grandmother naked. again. this needs to stop now.
There are Star Wars cutouts in his basement. Obi Wan Kenobe watched me give him a handjob.
I tried to put the left over margartia in a box for you but they wouldn't let me
I don't think child baring hips is a compliment.
He has in a pan: ten pieces of bacon, two cloves of garlic, an egg (not scrambled or hard boiled, just an egg) and frozen corn.
It feels like one of my ribs evaporated.
He's tweaking out . If he's on fucking bathsalts and eats my face like a chalupa pull the plug. I don't want to live with no fucking face. Pull. The. Plug.
YOU TOOK A FUCKING SNAP OF ME TRYING TO PEE! I'M GOING TO FUCK YOU WITH THE BUSINESS END OF A RUTED RAKE!
I can see their wedding vows now: 'Til basicness do us part
I just jacked off to nostalgia.
I just woke up and there was a condom wrapper stuck in my hair. This is my life.
Didn't you sleepover at your grandparents?
Did I see you at the bar last night?
Yes. You just kept grabbing my boobs and saying how much better they are than yours...
I have a burn on my hand, I'm covered in bruises, I think my toe is broken, and I have no clothes to wear home.
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
I think a major source of concern would be the fact you snorted a shot. Who does that?
Randomize
