Without porn, I would have few hobbies.
I did a mental Irish jig when he pulled out the second condom.
Ok. Also I almost just threw up. Seriously. I was think to myself "really? Here? Now? At my work desk?" and then it went away.
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
Just when you think you're never going to have sex again, BOOM you're naked in bed with a guatemalan
Something about a hand job in a car doesn't scream girlfriend
I was in a house full of lesbians and they were all staring at me. I felt like the last cresent roll on Thanksgiving.
HOW IS IT EARTHLY POSSIBLE TO DO THAT MUCH DAMAGE WITH JUST MY THUMBS?? HOW???
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
I'm not sorry for loving America more than everyone else
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
Just woke up in a Price Chopper bathroom stall with a half eaten cake on the floor. Had to get a ride from the waitress I made out with. What happened to "Don't let me drink Tequila?"
I lied.
Just woke up and read the text that drunk me sent you, i take it all back, and you can't have my power puff girl pillow either.
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
So I tried to catch a rabbit in Terraria & accidentally blew it up with a grenade made of bees. Monty Python would be proud.
Randomize
