The girl in the car behind me just took a bowl hit. I miss college.
When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
He told me he could read braille... with his tongue. So I took him home. I don't think he was lying
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I'm at the casino and some dude apparently has money in an entire row of slot machines. Its like watching a really intense adult version of wack a mole
can't remember last night but the beers were $3.50, so i can count how many I had by counting my quarters
i can afford to take several trips up and down the parkway right now if I wasn't still hanging over my toilet
im not gonna bother asking u how it was... we could hear u through the walls
MCAT status: Day 64, no longer can remember what sex is like.
The drugs are starting to wear off. Suddenly aware there's a girl with bald patches and 2 guys that don't have a full set of teeth between them.
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Day drunk and a can of soup and wine straight from the bottle and alone and on my kitchen floor.
You should've come to the party. It was like an identity parade of everyone you screwed last year.
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
He was literally screaming at me for using the same knife to scoop the peanut butter and the jelly.
Look don't ask questions just know that one thing led to another and I have a shot glass stuck in my ass. I need your help!!!
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