She called it mighty mouse.. And from there it was down hill
It's almost summer. We need to start reconnecting with our home drug dealers.
not exactly restoring sanity, but he is throwing up on the national mall right now
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
I keep calling his kid the wring name. This is not helping my cause. And by cause mean his dick
My pupils are so HUGE you can see into my soul from 2 miles away
You challenged yourself to walk backwards all the way to the bar... And you did
Waiting to interview and found a beer in my purse from last night
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
While I appreciate the pity sex (seriously, THANK YOU) we should not do it 3feet away from my ex when he's passed out next time. Awkward.
The sex was so boring I heard the people having sex next door and I wanted to stop just to listen
So we are in the middle of sex and his brother knocks on the door and says "dude I just wanted to know if you want to see the fish I got tonight"
I have an ideal penis or slightly above ideal penis in every country that isn't ruined by the specter of communism
He walked upstairs in nothing but his boxers and drunkenly asked my brother for a condom....so much for a good first impression.
I’ve had a lot of vodka, 3 different dicks and no food since last night. Come get me
Randomize
