You were parading around the bar chugging girls drinks and then asking them if you could buy them a drink. It was actually genius
I heard from multiple reliable sources that she doesn't have a gag reflex. Of course I'm going to try to go home with her.
the only reason i invite her is so when the guys start to hit on her i know it's time to take their keys
They just asked a fat guy to move to the other side of the plane. Send me a pic of your tits incase we crash
Can we just ponder our lives for a second.
No I think my brain may implode in a puff of cocaine and sparkles.
Your friend who drunkenly cleaned the kitchen just wished the class a Happy National Tutu Day. While wearing a tutu. Make a move or I'm gonna marry her.
Valentines day isn't about being a couple in love..... It's about chocolate and faking orgasms.
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
We don't really communicate like that.
Communicate like what?
Communicate like people who want to see each other when their genitals are inside their pants.
Debating whether the Plan B I had this morning would go under breakfast or lunch in my food log.
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
I just saw a guy in a hazmat suit riding a tractor.
I get stoned and write a 15 page history report in two hours. She gets stoned and cries because she "doesn't know which shade of pink is the real one".
It's one of those "I can't stand you but we're stuck in the same hotel room tonight so let's fuck until one of us passes out" kind of nights.
Just because you can't have him, doesn't mean you can have his brother.
What about the best friend?
Randomize
