apparently it's not kosher to shit in a litter box when there's a line for the bathroom
Have you ever noticed how boring internet porn is after you cum? I can't shut my computer fast enough.
I woke up laying in alphagetti with the message "I'd go get checked asap" written out in the letters.
No, seriously, 1.5 gallons of sangria plus two days of untapped cock. Waiting here. For you.
I think the puke all over the side of my car actually improves its appearance.
They high fived over us while we gave them synchronized blowjobs. In the same bed. Under the same blanket.
Last I saw him was around 10 this morning. He was passed out on the porch with his head under the barbeque cover and there were cups of orange juice around him as well as loose tobacco spread everywhere. Good luck getting a hold of him.
I think I'm still a little drunk from Sunday Funday and I just changed for a date in my car. wish me luck.
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
We compared her boobs to bacon. I'm probably going to have to justify that.
THEYRE FUCKING GOLD
Are you talking about the color of my tits or the quality of my nudes cause both are
Nothing says hey I wanna be your friend again like ambushing me with a dick pic
Dreamt I had my own personal vibrator rep, who made house calls. I earned an upgrade to an electric model, since I was burning through batteries. That's it. Time for a bf.
I hope every time you eat hashbrowns you think about me, the awesome sex we had and how great we could have been.
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
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