hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
he fingered me, smelled his fingers, then asked me what i ate today..
I'm so high, I forgot to harvest my farmville crops....noooooooo.
Worst stoner tragedy.
and she said "My body is an orphanage, I take everybody in"...
he yelled "RELEASE THE KRAKEN" then hit me with his dick
Its kinda awkward hearing him say the food taste like ass considering what he did last night.
You know, I never expected to find myself with a roommate who I'd have to ask not to have sex while I'm in the room. And yet, here we are.
I'm not gonna lie; I was dosed with mushrooms and am eating pickles with a guy in all white. It's weird, but I'm down. Help.
I've been trying to brush my teeth for 20 mins now... Mother of hangovers.
hey now, it was 6 bucks for 5 shots. you would have lost your panties too.
Are you feeling okay?
Right now, not a single thing feels even slightly okay. That hungover.
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
He has fairy lights round his bed.. And played Jamie cullum when we had sex... Hes batting for the other team right?
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