Thats something to write home to mom about
Dear Mom, I had sex last nt w a girl that liked to b choked. Im n love. Cant wait for you to meet her
I will give you a bj if you get me food. NOT A JOKE. FREE BJ.
please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
"Tonight I'm turning swine flu into an std" this might be how zombies come about. Peace civilization.
Its weird to pet your cat with a boner
What the fuck?
There should be a blender full of rum, tea, and grape jelly in the freezer. She thought it was a good idea until she blew chunks.
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
I'm cleaning my bathroom. That being said I found a klonopin and dropped it and stepped on it. Floor is clean im gonna snort it.
I just had some guy offer to eat me out on my lunch break... I think single life is getting better everyday
Has my life seriously led me to day drinking on a Monday the third week of the semester?
It's after 5, it's not day drinking.
Some girl took her panties off, soaked them in vodka and wrung them out into a line of guys' mouths! Awesome!
No, NOT awesome. Where the fuck do you go drinking!?!
Do you think it's wrong for me to hop on that dick before he realizes that he's gay?
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
If you don't believe in my fighting skills, I don't know if we can be together
On a side note, my ex husband offered to buy me shrooms
Randomize
