I'm in that akward stage between jailbait and cougar
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
I think I should become a real estate agent in th friend zone I know the place so well
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
making my second box of kraft dinner for the day. thinking about telling him how much you cheat on him so that you end up having to spend valentines day with me. i'm sorry its every man for himself.
You were like pukeahontas last night, you tried to tell us you were okay, then you puked in the garden.
to whom it may concern. if i am dead in colleens bed it is not her fault i slept in my scarf. my dads middle name is ronald.
I have cum and leaves all over me. Don't ask questions.
I drank toilet water last night, I can't answer you because my phone is in rice.
I yelled kanye while he was fucking me. It just felt right
It takes a special kind of man to fart REALLY loudly right before entering a woman and still get some. This has been a state of bootytown address.
Woke up in a hotel room with some random guy then walked over a mile to the bus stop where I laid down and waited on the bus. GREAT NIGHT
So, just how hungover are you?
Not at all, surprisingly.
That has to be your X-Men power.
I was told I was gorgeous and a whore by the drag queens. My night is complete.
So I tried to catch a rabbit in Terraria & accidentally blew it up with a grenade made of bees. Monty Python would be proud.
Randomize
