I think my guts just had a chinese fire drill
We just all danced like dinosaurs in the center of the dance floor.
He tried to carry her to her room after she passed out, but when he picked her up she came back to, saw him, screamed rape and pulled out her vuvuzela app and blasting it like a rape whistle.
I just hotboxed my laundry basket.
Her tits were the only thing that upgraded her from "no way in fuck" to "drunken mistake"
There's a big bag of salt and vinegar chips and a Budweiser for when you wake up. Don't say I never did anything for you.
Whiskey shot with bacon bits, our version of Goldschlager WE ARE TRYIN IT.
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
Within the span of 10 minutes, I managed to make a slip 'n slide on his stomach, threatened to pee on him, kneed myself in the eye, and almost fell asleep on the toilet....in that order.
Want to go swimsuit shopping? First one who cries buys ice cream.
I felt like a responsible adult. A responsible adult that may or may not end up shitfaced. But not heaving purple puke into a urinal like last time because I'm classy now.
We are making a pool on how long he stays sober this time you want in?
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
I mean seriously...It's like the universe is saying "your vagina is closed, move along"
Oh btw, ur tongue should count as a second cock it's that good
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