apparently i walked up to the counter, put $30 worth of snacks next to this girl, and went 'uhh i have no money'
These pubs in Ireland act like hand jobs aren't the universal currency
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
How do I tell a friend I drunkenly broke into his house and may have lost his dog
You told me "I need to pound this drinks if I'm going to pretend his dick is big enough" then left. Dollar night quotes 2012
Yeah, I've been trying to get him to eat healthier. Turns out he'll eat almost any fruit or vegetable as long I let him eat it off my body.
Quick question. How did my clothes end up in your room on your bed and I end up outside your room naked on your couch?
You want to groom your chest hair? You mean with a little baby chest hair brush? Because that sounds adorable.
We also had a full on debate about how realistic and useful teleportation and time travel would be...and only used Twilight Zone episodes as "scientific evidence"
I seriously had alll four of your knuckles bruised into my arm
I'm the catering manager, it's not my job to stop 2 teenagers from fucking in the bathroom. I couldn't bring myself to stop that sort of young romance anyway, that's what I pay you people for
Have you ever given your heart and soul to someone and they turn out to be nothing but a great fuck that makes a mean grilled cheese because same
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
Your vagina is awesome, like it needs to teach a class for other vaginas
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