just found a beer in my hamper. even my laundry is a dirty alcoholic.
Just did a kegstand with my dad. Happy fathers day.
I may or may not juuuust be reaching the point where I find some humor from waking up in the parking lot at the standard.
My mom just told me to make sure my face isn't on the front cover of the newspaper on 4/21. Challenge accepted
I actually kinda like her but everyone else hates her, so consider it a third party grudgefuck.
I can't talk to her. I know entirely too much about her genitals to hold a conversation without mentioning them.
Hey. I thought you were saving your 80s playlist til marriage.
Sat down on an escalator. That hungover.
When you are old and getting humped by saggy balls every other weekend you are gonna wish you had more sex with freshly legal boys. Your vagina will thank you one day. Don't let her down.
If I don't have hickies that last till tuesday, I didn't do this weekend right
We're only going to be this young and this cute but for so long. And how often is it that a pack of Albanian law students is in your house?!
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
I just saw a cat, if i ate those mushrooms 15 minutes earlier i wouldn't have made it to the bar
Thanks a lot dude. I'm grateful to you for your gift of pure piss.
Howd last night go?
well he stumbled in my parents door drunk and then asked my mom if she was my grandma. Id say as far as first impressions go, he failed miserably
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