Bigbird is at the bar Im at. whats her name
Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
I didn't sleep with her. I'm boycotting arizona and she's from phoenix.
I wish we were homeless so drinking on the streets was acceptable.
The usual, bring face make up, I have a weird gash on my nose, probably from my one night stand
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
You know it is an interesting night when the 911 operator calls you
You know how hard it is to play cool while not drowning and appreciating a pair of butts at the same time?
A group of drunk Marines just serenaded me, never leaving this place
Oooo yea. You face planted on my bed but only half your body made it so you noodled onto the floor but kept saying prepare to be murdered which is when you started taking your pants off but stopped at your ankles cause it was too hard
Walgreens has pop rocks. Be prepared to get your dick sucked.
I can't believe he's mad at you for not remembering your fake anniversary.
He got mad at you last time bc you tried to rap battle him via text. This is strictly business.
Im not as flexible as I once was, but I still managed to get eaten out in the front seat of a hummer behind keddies.
Randomize
