YEA!!! I'll throw you a non-baby shower.
so he shaved. down there. and before he took his pants off i thought it was hot but then all i could think about were the naked mole rats from 7 grade science class.
Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
Stop. You don't mean that. Tequila might mean that. But you don't mean that.
Would love to except that I crashed into a hearse in a funeral procession about an hour ago so I think that pretty much put an end to my day.
He asked if I was on the pill, apparently I just downed my glass of beer and winked at him...
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
you were exchanging tortilla chips with the guy at the next table, telling him your table was given the "big chips" because it was your 21st birthday
He bought my favorite ceral.. I've guess I've earn the status as one of his regular fuck buddies. I feel honored and proud. His roommates girls don't get this treatment.
Do you know how to give stiches?
I do not...this text concerns me
Worst walk of shame man. They had a fire drill at 7am, had to walk out of her all girl dorm wearing my Everday I'm Hustling sweater
I just Spray tanned myself while high as fuck its either going to look like a work of art or terrible graffiti
What happened last night? I just woke up and there's like 15 mcflurry cups on the floor
You don't remember stealing them?
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