Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
I should have bought two bottles, she left before I could feel her tits...
Just found my DARE notebook from 6th grade. Extacy was starred and highlighted.
At least I've made one childhood dream come true
Hey I have your shoes. Do you remember shouting "Police brutality!" when the bouncer was kicking you out last night?
I woke up with her dog licking the wedding cake out of my ear and her sister finishing our Jaeger
We fucked then made friendship bracelets, his mother taught him right!
Why must everything this weekend have to do with something going into or coming out of my vagina?
If there was a build-a-penis, I would build that penis.
Last night was so embarrassing. I got like almost blackout drunk and threw up in my hand and then blamed it on someone else.
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
Last night was like blooper reel sex. He dropped me!!
I mostly blame me being such a miserable fuck on the fact that I was born on a Monday.
Sorry for face licking, I probably won't do it again.
Also, I love cats. I sat on the floor and they sat with me.
It was very surreal. They were listening to a religious podcast on morality while they both went down on me.
Randomize
