We just passed a billboard that said to join "jerseydoesntstink.com" and literally 15 seconds later, we could smell jersey.
Fuckbuddy couldn't meet, so she's trying to find a substitute to come fuck me. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
Traveling before 21 and traveling after 21 are two different things. There's a whole nother world of red white and blue weird out there
I sexy timed too hard and there is an ass shaped piece of a ping pong table now missing bc of it. How am I allowed to leave the house without a helmet?
My therapist keeps stopping to ask what 'hooking up' means
ITS ORAL SEX CAROL
i just honestly didn't believe you when you said your brother was a fucking clown. ho shit you weren't kidding.
well his attempt to make a white russian with instant coffee, gone off milk, and that weird probably illegal vodka we bought the other day isnt going well
So your contact has been changed to "jizz weave" in my phone. Now, as strange and random as that may be, I'm slightly embarrassed to say that I have more than one contact that fits that description so please identify yourself.
Apparently mr clean magic erasers don't clean blood off the ceiling
Paige is home safe.
Actually, she's here now, punching me in the face. You should've kept her keys.
I can insert a female catheter, but I cannot grill a cheese.
How did you get so drunk?
Alcohol.
When do you think the murder is going to happen in this Lifetime movie of ours?
I’m getting back at my ex and training my new boy toy how to properly satisfy a woman. I’m killing two birds with one dick.
I'm so gassy and it's your fault.
Randomize
