This ginger kid smells like a queef popsicle
there is nothing more satisfying than playing sudoku while pooping
I just ordered a 3 square foot pizza. This is how to beat an eating disorder.
Did you really end last night's sexting with "Stay thirsty my friend"?
The realization of how permanent those tattoos really were set in this morning... I am SO sorry.
Well the streets were closed, so it was okay for me to just lay down for a little bit.
I'm stoned at 1030am, watching Maury with my exboyfriend. I need to make better choices with my life.
I can't wet the bed. That was the old me. I'm grown
Oh my god
Took three klonopin and turned all my jeans into jorts. I miss you
The blow job award ceremony was a little much. You guys didn't need to call out what happened the night before.
What? How can you say that? You won!
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
is it too soon to tell him I'm available anytime for Christmas themed pity sex and I'll even wear a Santa hat?
We watched X-Files, ate pizza, and he played with my butt. It was a pretty standard Monday.
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
Randomize
