So I just found panties on our kitchen floor that had a slit in the vagina section. Does that mean shes open for sex, or she has a penis?
you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
I'm trying this new thing, it's called standards
imagine if we didn have a dick. we would be so much more productive
I woke up on a futon in some strangers house. They were eating pizza and told me everything was going to be fine.
we used a swiffer mop as a stripper pole.
Can you explain to me the broken disco ball in my front yard?
Maybe I don't remember every single thing... I think there's a hi lighter treasure map drawn on my arm...
I just found it. I hope it leads to food.
Just woke up to the best idea ever. Vodka infused BUTTER. Take a second, and think of the possibilities.
I can affiliate each flavor of Copenhagen to a different one night stand. I really love Texas.
You are a special snowflake. A special snowflake I wouldn't mind rough sex with
idk i was trying to watch Fuller House and you got up out of a dead sleep, just in your boxers, said "no more Dave Coulier" and walked out to the living room and unplugged the router
There's a kitten on my face and I'm druuuunk
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
He put your tit in his mouth. Professionalism is out the window after that.
okay valid
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