If a guy called my cleavage "mesmerizing" but is kinda related to me, does it still count?
I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
my dad told me i had to spend my money wisely..so i spent the money he gave me for a desk chair on weed. ill be so high i wont even notice its gone
i'll never see her again. i cant remember her last name. this is like cinderella except prince charming drank too much jameson and couldnt save a phone number properly
i can barely draw a stick figure let alone shave a heart into my pubes
What do you mean how did you end up there? You told him he had a face you'd like to ride, that's a deal sealer in any language.
He returned my car yesterday. Found a duffel bag with beef jerky, condoms, and a handgun this morning. Slightly concerned
From now on I forbid you to refer to it as a "bed". From now on you must only use the phrase "sex wagon".
Well, after emptying the contents of my stomach into a fucking rose bush, the only things moving through my digestive system are pills, coffee, and my own lip gloss. If that gives you any idea what kind of a day I'm having.
Just participated in the saddest thing: Cheetos. Handjob. I have lost at life
I just realized I haven't had a date or a potential possibility of a date in about a year. Then I realized I wanted to actually go on a date. But I'm sitting here getting high instead of being at a party. Life.
New low. I just threw up in the shower at 4pm. Nothing like leaving behind my 20s with class.
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
WE'RE NOT MAKING A DICK PIZZA OKAY
You can't talk like Dr. Evil to me five minutes after the greatest orgasm of my life.
Randomize
