I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
Your favorite bartender is back from prision
what's for breakfast?
Advil and throwup
I just bought a vibrating toothbrush with my parents FSA insurance card because I'm too broke for a vibrator. New.Level.Of.Low.
Just had to buy plan b w/ my robotic baby from family living.. Awkward.
I keep telling myself that if Britney can make it through 2007, I can make it through this date.
You know where a good place to spend summer is? In your head. High as shit. It doesn't matter where you are.
That's like the cock version of a mortal kombat fatality.
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
The highlight of my night was when you proclaimed that the man standing next to you smelt like grape medicine...
Nothing says besties like laying naked in bed hungover arguing over who is getting the pants
Apparently calling shotgun while getting put into a police car is frowned upon
So high that I just walked into class, late, sat down in my desk, and tried to buckle my seatbelt.
He woke me with blue berry pancakes and a blow job. He's a keeper.
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