dinner at cheesecake factory: $40. drinks at yard house: $50. having sex in the VG parking lot while people are staring at you awkwardly: priceless. Goodnight.
those are such fre$h shoes
going to ignore the use of the word "fresh" in a sentence that isnt related to produce and/or other food stuffs and especially the part where you replaced an "s" with a dollar sign
Hungover. Be in at noonish. Turn my monitor on and put a hot cup of coffee on my desk so the boss thinks I'm in
Apparently i just threw up in the bathroom, i told them i just blew my nose. i don't think they believe me...
25 People Confess What They’re Shamefully Attracted To
All I wanted was a "this is what America feels like" blowjob before I left. Is that too much to ask for?
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
Hahaahaah I keep finding little notes you left me on my physics notes... "TOO HIGH FOR BIRDS"
Is it too much to ask that I wake up one morning with out a pic of your dick as my wallpaper??
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
These 23 People Share the Worst Advice They’ve Been Given
He did a line of coke off my stomach then flipped me over and smacked my ass. Then, while he was talking dirty to me, he told me he wanted to hire someone to clean my room. And that's when he lost his boner. Life is so hard.
It's 2:10 am I am sprawled on the floor of the kitchen drunk and eating cold chicken wings come help
My purse is like an anchor I can't move I am sliding around like an over turned turtle send help
This floor is really dirty send a maid if you can
I'm tired of the topic. I sent him a pic of my vagina to change it.
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
I remember yelling at him telling him that the strippers were "nice people."