she said i have a nice penis, i told her only bob saget and god could judge that.
I was up until 12:30 making that damned grammar test for my freshmen then I caught myself running through the verb tenses when I was giving him head.
"I have sucked, I will suck, I will have suck, I am sucking..." I've never felt more like a nerdier slut than last night.
I wont touch it. I promise i wont touch it. JUST GET UNDER THE DAMN TABLE PLEASE.
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
How did "late lunch" turn into 8 solid hours of drinking??? I feel like death.
Does Jim keep sending you pics of him in drag too???? If so, are you also slightly uncomfortable?
Having boobs is probably the greatest thing in the world, free booze all around
I made out with a guy who was dressed as Borat
And like a minute in, I was like oh fuck what am I doing
Did you run away?
I DANCED AWAY.
Well, if it makes you feel any better I'll be drinking tequila and doing lines on Halloween. Just like old days.
You brought a jar of mayonnaise to bed. It doesn't get any worse than that.
driving home hungover today was like a life test..it was like the goblet of fire
I'm just imagining Oprah like "you're popping a boner, and you're popping a boner...EVERYONE IS POPPING A BONER"
He and I tag each other in memes all day. You could say it's getting pretty serious.
God I miss you. I would very much like to have sexual intercourse with you. I'm home eating chicken alfredo.
YOU'RE NOT THE ONE BEING EVISCERATED BY YOUR OWN UTERUS SO GET SOME DAMN SLEEP YOU FOOL!
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